


What We All Deserve

by wesleyfanfiction_archivist



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-29
Updated: 2005-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-12 08:41:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7094674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wesleyfanfiction_archivist/pseuds/wesleyfanfiction_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a quickie response to Wyndhamfan’s little post-‘Rain of Fire’ Wes-challenge on the DOW. Yet again, Wesley saves the day but he loses something priceless in the bargain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What We All Deserve

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Versaphile, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [WesleyFanfiction.net](http://fanlore.org/wiki/WesleyFanFiction.Net). Deciding that it needed to have a more long-term home, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact the e-mail address on [WesleyFanfiction.net collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wesleyfanfiction/profile).

What We All Deserve

 

******

//Where the hell is she? It feels like we’ve been waiting forever. God, I’ve made a terrible mistake; I just know I have…//

******

Things were crazy in the days following the rain of fire that blanketed the city, pouring brimstone in the streets and striking terror in the hearts of people running wildly in the mayhem. My own heart was a cold dead thing that night, silent in my chest as I watched the woman I loved wrapped in the arms of someone else…

My son.

The world collapsed around me, swallowing my soul.

Still, my team managed to regroup. Battered, bloodied and torn, we pulled ourselves together; surprisingly intact despite the beating we endured, and drug ourselves back to the hotel to nurse our wounded. Wes stayed long enough to see Gunn safely delivered to our care. The huge black man was knocked silly and supported by Wesley as they staggered through the doors, but he was otherwise unhurt and belligerent as ever when Fred came racing through the doors, moments later, and he gruffly extracted himself from the Englishman’s arms, casting him a glare before crushing his “girl” into his embrace as the world dissolved around them. They melted into one another in the center of the lobby. No one existed for either of them in the moments that followed and Wesley took a hesitant step back toward the exit. 

“Wes, you need to stay put. It’s crazy out there.” I moved to prevent him from leaving.

He slowly shook his head. “I have someone…. something I need to check on.”

I knew he was taking about his “giving” lawyer friend. His very pores reeked of the woman, strange bedfellows, indeed. Our world had gone to hell long before that night; it fell down around our ears months ago. I was just too blind and stubborn to see it. 

“Wes--”

“I’ll be back tomorrow. We need to pool our resources if we’ve any chance of defeating this thing.” His attention flickered to the couple still engrossed in one another in the center of the lobby, oblivious to the world around them, then he dropped his eyes and briefly studied the tiled floor before turning away.

“Wes--”

“I’ll be back.”

Then he was gone into the night that swallowed him.

******

//Where the hell is she? I know things in Sunnydale are crazy. This isn’t the only corner of the world going to the devil these days. Reports have been sketchy, but we’ve heard enough to know the forces of darkness on the hellmouth have been causing more than their share of havoc. Still, I begged her to come. I know it was a lot to ask, but I didn’t know what else to do. God forgive me, I didn’t know what else to do…//

******

Things went from bad to worse in the days that followed. Every confrontation with the Beast was more ineffective than the last. We moved our stronghold to the hotel, with Connor actually getting Cordelia to agree to move back in for the time being, for safety’s sake. It hurt more than anything I’ve ever felt, my heart crushed in a vise, but I was thankful that at least she and my son would be safe, as safe as any of us could hope to be under the circumstances. 

I tried to get Wesley to stay, he was working with us night and day, the shadows of constant stress and fatigue dulling the blue of his eyes, but he wouldn’t. Working deep into the night or until the rays of dawn crept over the city, casting it in an eerie glow, he would stay, studying his dusty books and consulting a pile of scrolls provided by Wolfram and Hart. But he would never sleep at the hotel. If I caught him nodding off he’d jerk awake, red lacing his eyes, prop himself up and start again. No matter how hard I coxed, he refused to close his eyes under my roof, and he wouldn’t go near his old desk in the office, choosing instead to scatter his paraphernalia around the lobby floor as he sat propped against the puff sofa, searching in vain for a prophecy, a weakness, *anything* to defeat this terror.

I paced the floor in a rage, wanting nothing greater than to meet the Beastie Bastard face-to-face again, but apparently, he’d gone under ground for the time being, forcing us to play by his rules, taunting us with the certainty that he was invincible.

My inability to protect my people fueled my seething anger. It mingled with the frustration of days of waiting for the other shoe to drop while Wesley researched and I was forced to watch Cordelia grow restless trapped in my hotel where she clearly didn’t want to be. It was slowly driving me insane. 

And making me reckless.

Too reckless in my obsession to tear something limb from limb. Anything. I was reaching the point where I didn’t care what demon crossed my path when I searched the streets at night. Even Lorne was giving me leery looks and spending most of his time locked in his room.

Gunn and Fred were the only ones who seemed to find any comfort in the situation. Whatever tension they experienced these past few weeks was forgotten in the urgency of the crisis and Gunn’s latest brush with mortality. They spent every waking moment wrapped close to one another, gentle touches and lingering glances passing between them that I couldn’t help but notice. Wesley noticed it as well, though we both tried to ignore their tenderness, the barbs of fate reminding us of what we would never have.

Wesley turned his focus toward his books.

I turned mine toward the Beast. Everything became the demon. All my energies focused into an all-consuming obsession to destroy this creature.

******

//Were the hell is she? Maybe it was too much to ask after all she’s been through. But she was all I could think of. My only hope. *Our* only hope. He begged me not to do it. Actually begged me. But I was weak and selfish. My obsession with the Beast brought us to this point. He saved the lives of the people I loved more than life itself.

This is how I rewarded him.

I’m such a bastard.

I just wish she would get here.//

******

“We should wait until we have a plan, Angel!”

“To hell with you and your plans, Wes. You’ve been researching those crappy parchments for days. The son of a bitch has been sighted in the alley outside the old burnt out Caritas where he first rose. I’m going after him.”

“With what?” Wesley threw up his hands in frustration. “Every time we hit him, he comes back stronger. You’ll just get yourself killed and then the Powers That Be will have lost their bloody champion.”

“What good is a champion if there’s no world left to save?” I snapped. “You can stay here sniveling with your books if you want. Gunn?”

“I’m with ya, man.” Gunn moved to the weapons cabinet and hefted up his ax, bracing it against a broad shoulder. 

I never realized how icy cold Wes’s eyes could be as they cut me to the bone with a chill. Or maybe this was a Wes I never knew. “You’ll both be killed,” he hissed. “Just give me a few more hours. I think that--”

“I think that we’re done with the Big-brain book plan, and it’s time for some whoop-ass.” Gunn moved to my side. “I’m tired of sitting around here doing nothin’. Let’s go, Angel.”

“I agree; we fight.” Connor reached for a broadsword.

I frowned and shook my head. “Stay here, Connor. Your ribs haven’t healed, yet.” His expression darkened with anger and I went on to add. “If anything goes wrong I want you here to look out for Cordy and Fred.”

Both girls erupted in protest at my announcement but I held my ground. “Stay put! All of you, I haven’t got the time to argue. Gunn?” I turned and he gave me a nod. “We’re out of here.”

“Angel?” Wesley’s voice echoed behind me.

I paused without turning. 

“If you insist on this absurd course of action at least wait until I can get some reinforcements. I might be able to get my hands on a--”

“Wes.” I didn’t bother to meet his eyes. “Go back to your books.”

******

//It seems like I’ve been waiting forever, but I know it’s only been a day. The longest day of my unlife. I don’t know if things would have turned out differently if I waited just a while longer as Wes requested. Now, I’ll never know. The past is past and all that’s left is what’s here and now.

Consequences.

When will she get here? Is she even coming?

I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry.

I should have known they wouldn’t listen.//

******

Minutes passed like hours as Gunn and I battled the Beast. He swatted us like flies, taunting and chiding our every move, as useless as children fighting with paper swords. I realized way too late that I was going to get Gunn killed for nothing if we didn’t bailout soon. But the toughened street warrior was as stubborn as he was strong hearted and he refused to back down, sweat and blood pouring from his brow as he hacked away at the molten rock of the demon’s hide as it laughed in response.

Conventional weapons were a waste of time. I should have realized that by now. Maybe given enough time, Wes could have come up with a spell to render the demon vulnerable. But I simply wouldn’t wait. The Beast could have easily destroyed us both, but instead, it chose to play with its potential victims. Why? I just kept hearing Dinza’s dire prediction ringing through my brain.

*‘You have so much more to lose.’*

Was that what the Beast had in store for me? The pleasure of watching me lose….

Everything.

Gunn was beaten down, tired but still welding his ax with a resilient spirit, through his arms were faltering. 

“Let’s get out of here!” I shouted. 

“Let me get in one last good lick!” He raised his weapon and aimed for its throat.

The Beast grinned and met my eyes.

In that instant I knew the game was over. 

“Gunn!!!!” I lunged toward the creature, shoving a startled Gunn out of the way just as a set of vicious claws swiped though the air, slashing across my face and sending me flying into the hard metal of a dumpster. Something cracked in my back and I felt myself grow numb. I struggled to rise and found that I couldn’t. 

“Devil’s spawn!”

The words rang out through the darkness of the alley and I looked up in horror to see Connor, sword in hand, dash into the Beast’s line of vision.

I should have known they wouldn’t listen.

Cordy and Fred were hard on his heels. 

The Beast met my eyes and his smile widened.

It was over.

I knew in my heart it was over.

He was going to take everything I loved while I lay sprawled, helpless battered and crushed in the filth of an alley. The alley where my child was born.

A scream of rage tore from my throat as I saw it reach for my son. “Connor, get back!”

Ignoring my cry, he raised his sword and lunged at the demon, meeting it head-on. 

“Connor, get out of the way!”

The shout came from the mouth of the alley, echoing through the night and I turned and gasped. Wesley stood framed in the eerie glow of a streetlight, something braced on his shoulder. He moved closer to the fray and knelt on one knee.

“What the fuck’s that?” Gunn squinted his eyes to get a better look. “A bazooka? Talk about your big guns.”

“It’s not a bazooka,” Wesley hissed with impatience. “It’s a Stinger Missile. Now MOVE.”

Connor gaped in astonishment at the piece of military hardware balanced on the ex-watcher’s shoulder, and he barely avoided an angry swipe of the demon’s claws as they ripped his sword from his hand and lunged for his throat. 

“Connor!” Cordy screamed and jumped forward, shoving him out of the way…

Wesley triggered the firing mechanism. 

The sound was deafening and painful as it ripped through the night, the missile tearing from the chamber in a blinding flash of light; the discharge sent Wesley sprawling and the launcher clamoring to the pavement.

“Damn, English, I knew you liked the big guns, but somethin’ tells me you didn’t get that baby on E-bay.” 

The words filtered through the dim of smoke, flame and ash that rose into the air. Through the smoldering gray night, I could make out the shape of the Beast, intact but unmoving, lying on the ground. He was still whole, unlike the Judge who’d been blown to pieces by the rocket launcher Buffy used all those years ago. Leave it to Wes to one-up his ex-slayer with a missile. The Beast wasn’t moving. I began to feel sensation in my legs, but I still couldn’t stand. I wanted to get to the bastard. Get my hands around his throat….

Connor raced past me in a blur.

His sword raised above his head, he drove it downward, aiming for the creature’s eye…

Too late, I saw the eye open.

“Connor, get back!”

His hand lashed out, seizing my son and a cry of anguish tore from my lips as I struggled to get to my feet but failed.

In an instant, Wesley was in the center of the confrontation. Everything happened in a haze as I saw him shove my son aside and the creature grabbed his arm. The Beast was whole and very much alive but weakened. All my mind could register was that Connor was free…

That’s when I saw the blood and what was left of Wesley’s arm. I could smell it thick and oozing though the air. Rich and sweet. I tasted that blood not too many months ago….

Now it was everywhere.

Splattering the pavement. The brick façade of the buildings lining the alleyway. Seeping into the ground.

The Beast was gone.

I heard someone wailing.

I think it was me.

******

//Where the hell is she? 

I just don’t know how much longer I can hold out. My resolve is slipping with each passing hour and the sound of his whimpers tearing at my cold, dead heart.//

******

He fought me with as much fortitude as his dying body could manage, surprisingly resilient despite the blood loss and the pain, and yet not so surprising coming from him. At that ultimate moment of death, most people cling to the fading vestiges of life, but Wesley fought for death, welcomed it, in fact, with a deepened despair that shamed me when I realized just how alone he’d been these past months. Then slowly a stoic resolve passed over him that astonished me as he met my eyes, bid me farewell and asked me to join the others who I sent ahead to regroup at the hotel.

I ignored his request.

His request became a plea.

He begged me not to do it, fought me as I raped him of his mortality, bastard that I am. I felt the strength of his valiant heart growing weaker and weaker as the precious life drained from his veins. 

I was weak and selfish. God forgive me. There’s a special place in Hell reserved for me….

I took him back to his apartment. Briefly wondering if he revoked my invitation. Then I laughed bitterly at the thought --- an invitation is only required when the occupant is alive.

I didn’t stop to ponder the bars on the makeshift cell that was once his closet. I knew about Justine. I knew about a lot of things. Even though he thought that I didn’t. I locked him inside and sat on the floor, hugged my knees to my chest and the hours crept like days. 

******

//I can’t let him make a first kill. I won’t. He would never forgive me. But it’s driving him insane. The instinct. The drive to kill. To feed. A vampire in such agony is a horrible sight. I’m thankful the walls are soundproof. 

What have I done? Now he’ll have eternity to loathe me. But I won’t let him kill. His heart will remain pure, unstained by the death of innocents.

His pleas are tearing at my soul. The soul I almost wish I never had.//

******

I offered him my arm through the bars, the rich blood of a Master Vampire. But it wasn’t enough. I’m weak and still healing. 

The hours crept. 

It was all I could do not to fling open the gate and enfold him in my arms, let him feed until the final drop of my existence was extinguished. He’s mine. His blood cries out to me. It’s the nature of our kind to nourish our young.

But I can’t risk it. Wesley’s the cleverest man I’ve ever known. God only knows how the transformation will twist him. Given half a chance, he’ll escape and we’ll all be doomed. 

Every fiber of my being cries out for me to embrace what the beast within me has claimed. He’s mine.

******

//Where the Hell is she?

I know that after everything Willow’s been through, it’s a lot to ask. I pray she still has the orb of thesulah.

His whimpers are tearing me apart.

My hand is clutching the latch...//

 

The End


End file.
